Here's my Day Today or What it should have been

Research Critique, Symphony, Classes, Stupid Civ Debate and here's the rest.

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Emma Smith and My Day

I have an unusual respect for Emma Smith. Something drew me to a video today that presented a song about Emma. I loved it. Mostly because I love Emma so much. Often she is so maligned by the members, thinking that she just gave up. I respectfully disagree. Emma didn't give up, she pressed forward in the way she could. She didn't accept Brigham, but by that logic, many of the members of the Church who did not accept Brigham after Joseph's time were all just quitters. After Joseph died, people just left or aligned with another Latter Day Denomination. I personally do not think that people who did not align with Brigham, who I do believe to be the correct successor, gave up. I think they just had a different view. To me, God will be the judge. God knows best.

My day was okay. Stress, lunch, stress, thinking about stress, lunch, birthday, cleanliness, tiredness, talking, talking, singing, singing, Spanish, Spanish.

Too Tired To Blog and BYU Problems

I am too tired to blog. Let's just give it a five minute solid typing session as I randomly try to peck out a few things while I am sitting here. Sam is not home and I don't expect him anytime soon to be entirely honest.

It's weird how everyone is pairing up here. I don't really know how to feel about it. Then and again, I am having some pretty ambiguous feelings about BYU today for some reason. I still really love it at times, but there are so many things that just drive me crazy. To be entirely honest, I am not a huge fan of my ward. Not the people, I love them, but I really feel like just a fish in a barrel of countless other fish. There is nothing really wrong with that, I just don't like it. In our attempts to build Zion, I feel like there should be at least some type of "sociality" here that I felt in my home ward. I feel almost as if I am insignificant to the ecclesiastical leadership. Maybe I just need to buckle up and get used to it. Sigh. Luckily I love the Church and love the religious worship of the Latter-day Saints and have faith in its redeeming power. I believe the tenants of the Gospel, I just really dislike the buildup of the Church here. I will probably get bashed for this, but I cannot deny my opinion. I guess I will have to build Zion based upon my interaction with people other than the bishopreic.

I may not graduate from BYU I have decided. I like BYU. A LOT. But I don't know if it is for me. As for this time in my life, I know I need to be here. For some reason, I came to BYU and I am glad I did. But as for the future, I cannot tell. I will not tell, because I may end up with multiple degrees from here.

Lists take too long to write and I am too tired. I haven't done any homework yet and I don't want to. Tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day.

So Here's Why I Didn't Write My Blog Yesterday

I am a wicked child at times. I procrastinate a lot, avoid homework, don't practice the piano, and stay up late. Not a good combination of factors if you ask me. So last night I stayed up a little too late doing my paper. But give my love to SarahJane, as we went to a fireside and had two treats- one from mine and one from her's that was going on at the same time.

I did finish my paper. Sort of. I felt okay about it. It needs revision obviously, but I can do that easily. It shouldn't be too hard.

Anyway- list. Woke up at 8:35 and dashed to class at 9, got out early, talked with Megan in the Wilk, went to mission prep, saw Blake, came home, did laundry, homework, etc, napped, Spanish test given back- 94, cake for Carly's b-day, carving pumpkins FHE- three degrees of glory pumpkin!, SarahJane and Catherine, and now sleep.

Why Few Things in Mormon Theology Bug Me Now

Back in the day (otherwise known as four years ago), I found out that the Mormon past was not as "sanitary" as many like to claim it to be. As an avid lover of history, I thought that everything in history was either black or white. Either Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ or he didn't have a vision at all, either Brigham Young taught Adam-God or he didn't. I wasn't a very good historian. I didn't take into accounts all the perspectives, all the teachings. I apostatized in a manner of speaking. Not that extreme of course. I still attended Church for the most part, despite it being a pain. I tried my best to find my own faith, but to no avail. Evangelical Christianity, while I was envious of it, made sense only to a certain extent. I embraced it but hesitantly with Mormon theological hesitations. I also didn't take into account the spirit. What I thought was the spirit led to to be unhappy. The spirit cannot make one unhappy.

And here I am today. BYU student. Faithful believer learning how to deal with doubts. Dealing with doubts quite effectively if you ask me. While doing research for my research paper about the corporeality of God, I realized that the Mormon conceptualization of God has evolved. For many that seems to be a problem, but for me this is almost faith promoting. We are human beings dealing with the Divine. I have come to realize that perhaps our understanding of the Divine is contingent on our ability to comprehend the nature of God. Hence, people see seemingly contradictory ideas presented in Mormon beliefs.

And then there are the things we cannot understand at this point. Do I know why Joseph and Brigham taught Adam-God? Do I know why Joseph mentioned Zelph? Do I know where the Book of Mormon took place? Do I know why polygamy was instituted? Do I know why the Church is so heavily supporting Prop 8? Do I know why the Church kept blacks from the priesthood? The answers to all of these questions are, "I don't know". I don't know why there are incongruities in history. I believe, like Joseph Smith, that as we prove contraries we begin to understand. I know that God will make up the difference. God will prove all things to us. God will let us understand in time.

Historians must learn to examine things critically. I am trying to do that everyday. I don't accept everything at face value. I read and reason, I watch, I pray, I fast. I love. I try to be kind to all. I try to love everyone. I get so concerned about everything and everyone. I hope that God will help me to continue to do what I am doing. I really try so hard. I really do.

Why Do I Do This to Myself

Tonight I stayed up way too late tonight. Considering I need to go the library in the morning and do lots of homework. But I will press forward. I also have to cook dinner on sunday. I may call sarahjane to help me get transportation to the store.

Here's today's list: Wake up, homework, cannon center, sarahjane, thanksgiving point with Andrea and my class- she has the cutest baby!, kate and holly, homework, playing, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog- loved it, thinking about homework and sleep, worrying that I will wake up Sam, etc.

SarahJane and I talked at the Cannon Center about things. It was good to see her again as always. We are so tight and I love it.

My Sister and I

I have always loved my sister. I always will. I love her so much. But sometimes we disagree on certain issues. Tonight was one of those nights where I disagreed. We talked about Prop 8, a divisive issue to be sure. I support Prop 8, but very hesitantly. I am not going against the Church on this issue because I have been very conflicted about it. I have been asking God about it a lot. For some reason the Church has done this. Because I have a firm testimony of the Gospel and the fact that God is in the LDS Church, I have elected to trust God at this point.

For me, however, I do not like the tactics certain members of the Church are using to try to get this measure passed. I think that it would be enough to support traditional marriage, but attacking others is not exactly the way Christ acted. Jesus walked away from none, he gave his love to everyone. I would like to see more love. More compassion. Many will disagree with me. I know many will. I do not seek to offend, only to remind. Christ laid down His life for us. In this great atoning sacrifice of love, he reminds us the power love can have. Love changes people. Love changes the world. Let's just love everyone. Let's just love. And not weep.

Charity

Pure love of Christ. Love of God. Love For All Mankind. What kind of person I aspire to become. Loving someone even if they don't deserve it. Becoming True Disciples of Jesus Christ. If I have not charity, I am nothing.

Wake up, Writing, Mission Prep, Saw Her, Canon Center, Gorging, SarahJane and I, Whole New World, DI, DI, DI, Mormon Books, Spanish, Homeworkish, walk with friends, wassail, hugs, love, power of friendship, missing people, realizing something about my SLC friend again,the stress, laughing til I cry, Catherine feeds her boyfriend seeds, dancing, thinking, thinking, and now... I must rest my head.

And here I go again. Another day another destiny. This never ending road...

Stress Again but Hope

So today was one of the most stressful days at college. Forget yesterday. Today takes the cake. I had to finish my Civ essay after continual revisions that I have been doing for almost a week. I really despise that class. I can't wait until it is over.

The rest of my day was stressful too. I took the Spanish test which I think I got at least a C- on. But I can never gauge how I do on those tests. It drives me crazy. I am just hoping for something reasonable. I need to spend more time studying.

Here's today's list: Wake up, BOM- not as big of a fan as everyone else is of the class, I still like it a lot, but today's lecture was not my favorite for a variety of reasons, library revision session, facebook commenting session, lunch, class, pondering, texting, studying, class, testing, SKWT international cinema with Katie- AMAZING! Katie and I are like twins. We had such a great time. We went to see Bella, a Spanish film, and then talked after for quite some time. It was great... thinking about homework, seeing SarahJane, laughing, laughing, hot cocoa, laughing, loving, bffae.

Stress. Stress. Stress.

College life is stressful. That is about the extent of my thoughts about it today. I have so much to do and yet so little time. I really can't believe how people tend to pack it on. This stupid Civ paper is going to be the death of me. I can't believe how much time I have spent on it. My roommates probably think I am insane for spending this much time on it. I just feel like I have to get a good grade. I am praying for a good grade. I know I can do well. I have spent so many hours on it, all the TA's have seen it, etc.

Here's today's list: Wake up, English, Rachel's text from library, missionary prep,book store wandering, ran into Stephanie Messick, my piano teacher, showed her LDS Family Hymnbook, lack of Facebook, nap, Spencer yelling about SNL (made me giggle while I was sleeping), homework, Spanish, thinking about Spanish test, understanding Spanish, dinner with RM, reading over my paper, world's thinnest brownies, FHE, Katie talk with Spencer,stress, paper, stress, paper, stress, paper, stress, paper, stress, paper, eye twitch. That is all.

Arise, O God, and Shine!

I decided that this may be my new favorite hymn. I don't know what draws me to it exactly but it could be the fact that it seems to be a good Protestant hymn. And it could be that it just represents my mood about everything from the Savior to Singing.

I have made a realization that I will not make note of on this blog and I can't sleep because of it! But I won't share because It is too silly to share with the world. Then and again I often wonder who really reads my blog. In fact on this post, if you are reading, leave a comment. It could only be one person, or it could be... I dunno- two?

Here's today's list: Woke up, choir practice, Dana and Rachel and Brenna walking together, Church meetings (today was entirely meh to be honest, I am looking forward to a testimony meeting soon, it is long overdue. I have some things about my BYU ward that I will share at some later point. I am happy with the people, but there are some things that need to be fixed.), come home, home teaching, helping RM with dishes, dinner, missing ward prayer, spanish homework, etc, etc.

BYU Culture, Bruising and Homework

BYU culture is a fascinating thing to me. One day when I have more time and energy I will have to blog about it all. It is fascinating to me and I feel somewhat a love-dislike relationship with it. Not love-hate. Love-dislike. Sometimes its just hard to deal with it. Still, I love BYU. It was the right choice for me.

I am still bruised from falling down the stairs at the HFAC. It is pretty interesting that I can still feel it each time I sit down or place my arm on a desk. I need to start getting more sleep in order for them to heal. I am going to try to go to bed at 12:00 every night from now on. We will see how that goes.

Here's a list of today's activities: Wake up at noon, cereal, homework, homework, homework, jumping with Rachel Mize, talking, homework, homework, laundry, Facebook, writing, scripture reading, pondering,Pit, spoons,brownies, pizza, radar, walking to Helaman, hand games, thinking about life in general, and countless other things.

Jacob's Concern

I am concerned. I won't mention why. All is well with me, I am just seeing some things here at BYU that concern me a bit. I still love it, but I am growing increasingly concerned.

Here's my list of things that I did today:

Got up at noon, SarahJane talking on phone, cereal, talking with Rachel Mize and Carly, depressing movie, homework, thinking about things in general, etc, etc. It was a rather boring day I will not lie. I have so much to do tomorrow and yet I will not sleep for hours.

Come Thou Font

Here's a list of today's activities: Book of Mormon, paper visiting with Virginia, Honors 292R, Heidi-Jacob bonding moments, lunch, civ, giggling, laughter, "sexy" from Prof Griggs, blushing, piano, recital realization announcement, purple platypus sighting near my favorite building at BYU, Honors course kickoff, Parish and Bible Class, LSH friends that I have longed to see again,Welsh with food and complex grammar, Heidi's friend, hiding at the MOA, SarahJane, missionary tag, laughing my guts out, speed walking, bruising myself at the HFAC, eating, laundry, thinking about sleeping.

So I recently rediscovered this thing I was obsessed with my Senior year after my seminary teacher showed it to us in class. Here's the link.
http://mabrystudios.typepad.com/reflections_of_christ

The reason I love this version of the song so much is because of the feeling the pictures give me in combination with the song. One of my favorite ones is the women with Christ as He is on the ground. The other one is Christ anointing the eyes of the blind man. I think that often in my life, I long for that healing that only Jesus Christ can bring. And somehow I think I have finally found that.

When I first came to BYU, I felt a little more than intimidated. I was downright terrified. I didn't know if I was supposed to come to BYU. In fact, I didn't know what I was really supposed to do about anything. But now that I am here, I have seen how Jesus Christ has healed me in a way unimaginable before now. Despite the few lingering problems that I have with my ward, I am happy. I am happy. I am happy.

And that's the best news I have.

No Better Title but "Laziness Abounding"

Today was a lazy lazy day in many ways. I enjoy those days but I feel so unproductive in reality. I didn't quite know what to do with myself today. I did not feel too hot for most of the day but I pressed forward anyway.

I got up and put in the roast after SarahJane texted me to remind me about it. Then I went to Mission Prep, came home and then looked up my reservations for the Eyring Pendulum court. Chantelle and I went to Pendelum Court for lunch today it was delicious. Then I had Spanish. I got an 89 on the test. I was pretty pleased, but I really want to study a lot to be able to get at least a 90 on the next one.

I visited Rachel Mize after she texted me and I went to see her newly cleaned apt. They were doing homework. After that I came home and fed SarahJane. We had a good time, as usual.

And now I am finishing up some last minute homework while my room is loud with the sounds of girls and the RA.

Where Art Thou?

As many of you know, whoever may read my blog, I love the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee". Lately I have continually pondered upon that song. It tells me that God is near. Always. No matter what. I don't know why I continually focus on this song. It has made an impression upon my heart.

Here's my list of my activities today: Wake up, Book of Mormon, Lunch with Rachel and Dani, Forum on TV, planning my schedule, thinking about my schedule, guilt for not practicing the piano, Welsh mid term -.5 points, frosted flakes, writing lab on general conference, pizza with Rachel, talking, Spencer's family, Rachel's family, texting Holly from SLC, pensiveness, Elder Holland ASL, ASL thoughts, winter course kick off prep, thinking about major fair, praying for strength, strength is not something you have its something you find, angels, love, confusion, sleep, friends, wishing, civilization paper, thinking about other homework I should do.

Why I Believe

There are very few constants in this world. It seems like the world around me is changing so quickly. I really like to have some consistency in my life at times. But it seems so lacking always. I search for it in my life.

So why do I believe? Why do I follow? I think that the main reason I do is because I know that God loves me. It took me a long time to figure that out. For quite a while I did not really felt that God knew me. And now that I do know He knows me, I try to follow His commandments. I am praying to follow more closely. But be it known unto all, that I do not follow the teachings of the Church by blind obedience. I never have and never will. We may walk by faith, but I study things out in my mind and in my heart. Through Mormonism, I see how God knows me. I see how He loves me. I see how He will help me in all that I do.

And that's good news.

I Get Frustrated

Doubt and faith are not opposites. Doubt leads to faith. And doubt leads to action. I know this.

Today at BYU I felt some frustration. There are certain things that I cannot deal with at BYU. I love BYU deeply but I am feeling a bit of frustration and anger about certain things. Of course this is not the outlet to share them all, but I will say that there are certain aspects of BYU that I dislike. But I will remember what Cherie Call says "When you need a shoulder, bow your head and pray." Christ will do that for me- He will become my shoulder.

Church, hall meeting, curry, thoughts, Catherine, Margo, SarahJane, RM, RMo, food, cinnamon challenge, saltine challenge, almond cookies, FHE daughter quality time, roommate bonding at brownie night, tunnel signing, talking, SarahJane and I BFF, etc.

Creamery Adventures at 10:30 11:00ish

So today was one of the laziest days ever. Here's a list of what I did. Woke up at 11:30ish, followed by a good dose of lazing about, tried to take a nap in RMO's house, took it easy some more, baked a cake for Geoff's birthday, watched Hercules, went to the Creamery to see Margo and Harriet, ate at the Creamery, did a bit of shopping, hung out with everyone at the apartment, tried to watch Mansfield Park, talked to Mother on the phone for a bit, and then played pit and made our way to the Creamery for our Creamery adventures.

I got Rachel some hot chocolate and I bought some Sangría. I love that stuff far too much if you ask me. I am obsessed with it actually. I enjoyed our little adventure to the Creamery. I was really cold in my cougar crocs and my short sleeve t-shirt, but I managed. I am so tired right now so I should probably sleep. That would be a wise idea. Tomorrow, I hope to blog more about some things that have been on my mind.

Savior Redeemer of My Soul

"Savior Redeemer of my soul, Whose mighty hand hath made me whole, whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up and filled with sweet my bitter cup. What tongue my gratitude can tell, O gracious God of Israel."

There are many times in our lives when we cannot see why God gives us the challenges or allows the challenges we have to be perpetuated. It seems as if I am the only one who struggles and questions and doubts. And then this scripture comes to mind.
"Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of temptation, and I have loved you—" D&C 95:1

Yet as we repent, we find that exquisite joy that only Christ can bring. And because of this joy, I would now consider myself a happy person. I love to make people smile. It makes me feel so much better about the world around us.

God wants us to change. He desires us to be counted worthy at the last days. Through Jesus Christ this is possible. My Lord, my God, my King suffered and died for me. Because of Him I will be embraced my Mercy's Arms in the Eternities. How can I help but rejoice?

The Scriptures and 292R

Today I woke up and went to Book of Mormon. RM was sick, I felt so bad for her. She missed our Book of Mormon lesson on mercy and justice. That's the topic of her research paper. I know she would have loved it.

Today I read the scriptures in the Maesar building. I am trudging along trying to finish the Bible before the end of the year. I am getting a bit bogged down in the New Testament. Not what one would expect to hear I guess right? The Old Testament felt like a breeze. I love the Old Testament. It truly testifies of Jesus Christ and His holy mission. But I also love the New Testament so I don't know why I am getting bogged down. Possibly the amount of reading I have to do for my Book of Mormon class. I have to admit I have never actually read the BOM by myself. That's always a bit of a sore spot for me here at BYU. I always feel bad that I never really had personal daily scripture study until this year. I feel so spiritually feeble at times. But I am learning to do better. I am trying harder to understand.

292R was curious today. I didn't like it to be entirely honest. It was great until the fight between the prof and the students began. Prof Sowell warned us though. So I guess we should have expected just as much.

I also had polio today while at SarahJane's. Her roommate Casey wanted to get out of a date and I suggested polio. She didn't buy it. When I left to avoid breaking the H code, I had polio. There were noises involved.

And now I must sleep. Earlier than usual I believe.

Too Tired and Theophany Envy

I must sleep tonight. I feel weary and I am about to do something that I never thought I would do here at BYU. But I think it will be fun. I hope it will be? I am trying to think of how I should do it. Let's hope I get some sort of idea.

I took my Spanish test today. Not too bad. Could have been better, could have been worse. I love Spanish though. I feel like I should major in it. But again, it comes back to the idea of God's plan for me. Sometimes I wish I could have a theophany. Not necessarily anything too grand. The facts are simple: I know God lives but I long to know Him better than I know Him now. I know I can do it through His mighty power. It is just a matter of patience.

God knows us. God gives us strengths and weaknesses for a very distinct purpose. Often in my internal theological debates, I wonder. I wonder a lot. As in the play Doubt, I have such doubt. But doubt is a catalyst to faith. Faith is a principle of action and action leads to knowledge. One of my weaknesses has been on my mind lately. I have been praying for divine help to help me understand it and cherish every moment. I know God will help me. He has in the past. And that's good news.

No Homework? Okay!

I can't believe I did not do any homework, with the exception of reading, today. I got up thinking I would. In fact I went to Book of Mormon, came back and read Oedipus and thought I had gotten a good start on homework. Things digressed from there. I ended up being social and enjoying my time here at BYU.

So tonight I have to do a bit more studying before I lay myself down to sleep. I hope I am actually able to do it. Some other highlights of today include: cell phone cakes, watching ultimate Frisbee in the cold Provo outdoors, smiles, friends, talking, bookstore visits, Welsh quiz, time flying by, and pensive thoughts about my future. I am wondering about God's plan for me. I wish I knew it.

Gratitude

Today was a good day here's a list of the low down. Honors 150, Mission Prep, Lunch at MOA, SarahJane and I baking, mad dash to finish Honors 292R paper, FHE, makeshift dinner, talks with RM and SP, scriptures I hope, and sleep I pray.

Today I feel more grateful than I usual do. Perhaps it is something in the air, or the time of year that approaches us but I feel inclined to give thanks more than usual. I am grateful to be at BYU. God sent me here for a very distinct purpose and I don't quite know what it is but I know I will try to learn from it. God has plans for all of us that I can't begin to understand but I know I am grateful for them. Through His help, I can do all things. I know I can.

And I Be Provo Bound Again

I love Provo in many ways. Coming back here to the lovely city where I have met so many friends finally was a wonderful experience. I think I will enjoy my time at BYU. I have decided to make the best of my experience here and try to focus on the positive aspects of BYU.

Conference was quite amazing. I was surprised by the lack of mention of SSM. The messages were all wonderful and I enjoyed every minute of it. In many ways I can't believe that I am actually saying that. If I were where I was even two years ago, I would not have said that. But now I have come to appreciate my faith for what it is: The Truth. Jesus Christ was a central focus this conference, more so than usual even. And one of the greatest lessons I learned was that Jesus is the Truth, Light, and the Way. I cherish his sacrifice.

As for now, I must sleep and try to stay focused.

Today Flew By

Thursdays are hard for me. I can't quite decide how I feel about them to be entirely honest. The day starts off at 9 with Book of Mormon then Honors 292R at 11:00, Civ at 1:35, Piano Lesson at 3:00 and Welsh at 4. I get home at 5:10ish. It is a long day to say the least. I am wondering if I will make my days this jam packed next semester.

Piano was great, I love my teacher. Everything else was pretty good but I felt a bit odd this morning. I don't know that I am getting adequate nutrition if you ask me. It will be nice to go back to SLC to get some real food again.

But the morning comes early so, here's to bed!

Personal Narratives

Perhaps the highlight of my day was when I got my personal narrative back. I didn't really know what to expect when Andrea handed them back. To my pleasant surprise, I opened it up and discovered that I only missed two points. A 148/150! I was very happy. She prefaced handing them back and said they were the best batch she had ever had. She sounded genuine. That is a very happy thought.

So I got to wondering, why were they so good? Our generation has so many problems, but it seems like we also have such strength. It seems to me that here at BYU what it boils down to is our ability to interpret life as something less than ideal. I was brutally honest in my paper. I told of my search for religious peace among a turmoil of emotions. Everyone that I know here at BYU has such diverse backgrounds, so many different lives, and countless stories to tell. The mundane becomes the profound as we strive to understand the incomprehensible.

I do not claim to understand much of anything, but I know that in my own life certain things have changed me forever. From my personal sorrows to the exquisite joys, I am trying to find myself. I will keep searching.

The rest of my day was good. Spanish was amazing. I really am considering doing a Spanish major.