Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Poor Jesus

So today, again, was one of those days interspersed with emotions. I wasn't particularly happy with Church today when Prop 8 was indirectly mentioned again in Sacrament Meeting for the 1 millionth time. It was about prophets, prayer, faith. And somehow I wanted to weep. I believe President Monson is a prophet, I know that that is true, but Prop 8 is hurting me, continually.

My best friend here at BYU, my cherished, cherished friend who is always there for me, told me the other day to stop worrying about it. She has a point but here's why I can't really. Let me explain.

All around me I see my temples protested outside of, my people mocked, my people fighting back with ugly words, slurs about being bigots on both sides, my cherished Church under fire, my brothers and sisters, children of God all hurting each other. On the other hand, there are those of us who doubted Prop 8 and its motives and the Church's involvement, but nonetheless tried to support the Church in some ways. And where does that lead me? I can't win. To some I am an apostate who is paving the way to hell, to others I am not tolerant enough. Why can't I ever win? For one of the few times in my life, I feel as if I am being mocked from both sides of the fence. I feel as if my journey through life is more difficult than I am able to bear.

So this comes to my title. Kenneth Cope wrote a song about the atonement and its application to us. It goes from us watching Jesus suffer, an angel in heaven wanting to bear him up, to us, those same angels, suffering in our sins here. Ultimately, I suffer in my heartache over what has happened with my Church. And only Christ knows my heartache. My Poor Jesus died for you and me. He can help me bear this. I know He can. But it will take time. Healing does not happen overnight.

Today, as usual, someone indirectly mentioned it again. Some claim it is good PR for the Church. I don't believe it. During my experience, I felt cut off. It wasn't my Church anymore, it was the Church of Californians. It's not just the Church of the Californian's and their Proposition. It's my Church too. It's my Church too. And how I love it! And yet today, I feel as if I have been slandered. Dragged through the mud. Hurt. Wounded.

To my gay brothers and sisters of the world, may I say how much I truly love you. No matter what happens in the future, I love you. Please know that.

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