Tuesday, September 9, 2008

All the Pain and Anguish that Could Tear Me Apart

Today is one of those days where I cannot fully claim to understand the motives of others. I feel the pain of this revelation more than I feel anger towards anyone, this former friend included, but nevertheless, I must press onward in my quest to become a better person.

Often in my frustration with others, I become a bit snappy and rude. This was made evident as I recently had a falling out with the aforementioned friend of mine. Our friendship was brief and had its redeeming moments. I will long remember our discussions of our lives and our spiritual convictions. I will, however, also remember the bad times as well. The times we fought over petty things, or hurt each other unintentionally. Needless to say, our relationship was almost toxic. Wait... Let me rephrase that. Our relationship was toxic. There was misinterpretation, confusion, and so many other things that contributed to a friendship that was, from the beginning doomed.

As many of you know, my religious views are dear to my heart. I have so many convictions that I will never deny. And as many of you know as well, I try to live the Gospel the best I can, but when I am running low on sleep or become aggravated, I falter. I am human. I have my weaknesses. I faltered a few nights ago and said some things I have not said.

I tried to apologize. I really did. I knew that my efforts were in vain. Our mutual friends, now estranged from me, go on in their lives. I feel that remorse that I have trespassed against my neighbor. My main concern, however, is perhaps the fact that I tend to harbor these feelings of guilt and pain as I struggle to forgive myself. When I am called condescending, I feel as if I have failed my friends. I try so hard to love everyone and apparently my efforts are not good enough. I feel the pain.

But, I must press onward, looking unto Christ for hope. But somehow I feel as if I have disappointed Him.


Hildegarde said...

Oh Jacob. I envy you for the experiences you will have in college and also I wish I could spare you the pain as well! However trying my college years were I don't regret the person that they made me. Just know that you always have a friend in me!

K said...

Me, too. For heaven's sake, if you can't make mistakes of this sort in college without feeling that you've failed, then the rest of us, all adult lives now, have no hope whatsoever.

If your friend was a girl, you can't win. Move on, m'dear. Would you like to live your life in the same house with that kind of inflexiblity?