Here's my Day Today or What it should have been

Research Critique, Symphony, Classes, Stupid Civ Debate and here's the rest.

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Emma Smith and My Day

I have an unusual respect for Emma Smith. Something drew me to a video today that presented a song about Emma. I loved it. Mostly because I love Emma so much. Often she is so maligned by the members, thinking that she just gave up. I respectfully disagree. Emma didn't give up, she pressed forward in the way she could. She didn't accept Brigham, but by that logic, many of the members of the Church who did not accept Brigham after Joseph's time were all just quitters. After Joseph died, people just left or aligned with another Latter Day Denomination. I personally do not think that people who did not align with Brigham, who I do believe to be the correct successor, gave up. I think they just had a different view. To me, God will be the judge. God knows best.

My day was okay. Stress, lunch, stress, thinking about stress, lunch, birthday, cleanliness, tiredness, talking, talking, singing, singing, Spanish, Spanish.

Too Tired To Blog and BYU Problems

I am too tired to blog. Let's just give it a five minute solid typing session as I randomly try to peck out a few things while I am sitting here. Sam is not home and I don't expect him anytime soon to be entirely honest.

It's weird how everyone is pairing up here. I don't really know how to feel about it. Then and again, I am having some pretty ambiguous feelings about BYU today for some reason. I still really love it at times, but there are so many things that just drive me crazy. To be entirely honest, I am not a huge fan of my ward. Not the people, I love them, but I really feel like just a fish in a barrel of countless other fish. There is nothing really wrong with that, I just don't like it. In our attempts to build Zion, I feel like there should be at least some type of "sociality" here that I felt in my home ward. I feel almost as if I am insignificant to the ecclesiastical leadership. Maybe I just need to buckle up and get used to it. Sigh. Luckily I love the Church and love the religious worship of the Latter-day Saints and have faith in its redeeming power. I believe the tenants of the Gospel, I just really dislike the buildup of the Church here. I will probably get bashed for this, but I cannot deny my opinion. I guess I will have to build Zion based upon my interaction with people other than the bishopreic.

I may not graduate from BYU I have decided. I like BYU. A LOT. But I don't know if it is for me. As for this time in my life, I know I need to be here. For some reason, I came to BYU and I am glad I did. But as for the future, I cannot tell. I will not tell, because I may end up with multiple degrees from here.

Lists take too long to write and I am too tired. I haven't done any homework yet and I don't want to. Tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day.

So Here's Why I Didn't Write My Blog Yesterday

I am a wicked child at times. I procrastinate a lot, avoid homework, don't practice the piano, and stay up late. Not a good combination of factors if you ask me. So last night I stayed up a little too late doing my paper. But give my love to SarahJane, as we went to a fireside and had two treats- one from mine and one from her's that was going on at the same time.

I did finish my paper. Sort of. I felt okay about it. It needs revision obviously, but I can do that easily. It shouldn't be too hard.

Anyway- list. Woke up at 8:35 and dashed to class at 9, got out early, talked with Megan in the Wilk, went to mission prep, saw Blake, came home, did laundry, homework, etc, napped, Spanish test given back- 94, cake for Carly's b-day, carving pumpkins FHE- three degrees of glory pumpkin!, SarahJane and Catherine, and now sleep.

Why Few Things in Mormon Theology Bug Me Now

Back in the day (otherwise known as four years ago), I found out that the Mormon past was not as "sanitary" as many like to claim it to be. As an avid lover of history, I thought that everything in history was either black or white. Either Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ or he didn't have a vision at all, either Brigham Young taught Adam-God or he didn't. I wasn't a very good historian. I didn't take into accounts all the perspectives, all the teachings. I apostatized in a manner of speaking. Not that extreme of course. I still attended Church for the most part, despite it being a pain. I tried my best to find my own faith, but to no avail. Evangelical Christianity, while I was envious of it, made sense only to a certain extent. I embraced it but hesitantly with Mormon theological hesitations. I also didn't take into account the spirit. What I thought was the spirit led to to be unhappy. The spirit cannot make one unhappy.

And here I am today. BYU student. Faithful believer learning how to deal with doubts. Dealing with doubts quite effectively if you ask me. While doing research for my research paper about the corporeality of God, I realized that the Mormon conceptualization of God has evolved. For many that seems to be a problem, but for me this is almost faith promoting. We are human beings dealing with the Divine. I have come to realize that perhaps our understanding of the Divine is contingent on our ability to comprehend the nature of God. Hence, people see seemingly contradictory ideas presented in Mormon beliefs.

And then there are the things we cannot understand at this point. Do I know why Joseph and Brigham taught Adam-God? Do I know why Joseph mentioned Zelph? Do I know where the Book of Mormon took place? Do I know why polygamy was instituted? Do I know why the Church is so heavily supporting Prop 8? Do I know why the Church kept blacks from the priesthood? The answers to all of these questions are, "I don't know". I don't know why there are incongruities in history. I believe, like Joseph Smith, that as we prove contraries we begin to understand. I know that God will make up the difference. God will prove all things to us. God will let us understand in time.

Historians must learn to examine things critically. I am trying to do that everyday. I don't accept everything at face value. I read and reason, I watch, I pray, I fast. I love. I try to be kind to all. I try to love everyone. I get so concerned about everything and everyone. I hope that God will help me to continue to do what I am doing. I really try so hard. I really do.

Why Do I Do This to Myself

Tonight I stayed up way too late tonight. Considering I need to go the library in the morning and do lots of homework. But I will press forward. I also have to cook dinner on sunday. I may call sarahjane to help me get transportation to the store.

Here's today's list: Wake up, homework, cannon center, sarahjane, thanksgiving point with Andrea and my class- she has the cutest baby!, kate and holly, homework, playing, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog- loved it, thinking about homework and sleep, worrying that I will wake up Sam, etc.

SarahJane and I talked at the Cannon Center about things. It was good to see her again as always. We are so tight and I love it.

My Sister and I

I have always loved my sister. I always will. I love her so much. But sometimes we disagree on certain issues. Tonight was one of those nights where I disagreed. We talked about Prop 8, a divisive issue to be sure. I support Prop 8, but very hesitantly. I am not going against the Church on this issue because I have been very conflicted about it. I have been asking God about it a lot. For some reason the Church has done this. Because I have a firm testimony of the Gospel and the fact that God is in the LDS Church, I have elected to trust God at this point.

For me, however, I do not like the tactics certain members of the Church are using to try to get this measure passed. I think that it would be enough to support traditional marriage, but attacking others is not exactly the way Christ acted. Jesus walked away from none, he gave his love to everyone. I would like to see more love. More compassion. Many will disagree with me. I know many will. I do not seek to offend, only to remind. Christ laid down His life for us. In this great atoning sacrifice of love, he reminds us the power love can have. Love changes people. Love changes the world. Let's just love everyone. Let's just love. And not weep.