Saying Goodbye

It isn't particularly easy to say goodbye to my blog. It has been a great year. Despite the pains that I felt, I loved BYU. I learned a lot about myself, my friends both old and new, the gospel, and most importantly of Jesus Christ.

I am not going on a mission because I am particularly eloquent or because the people of Thailand need me. I am going because I need them. They have already taught me, humbled me and amazed me. I am going because God asked me to. For the first time in my life, I felt strongly enough about this decision that I am going through with it. I will pray for the spirit to guide me as I embark on this journey.

God lives. His Son is Jesus Christ. I love them with all my heart. Joseph Smith restored the Gospel of Peace for our lives today. And while life seems so crushingly hard, it is worth it. I promise. It's worth it all. With Christ at our sides, we can do anything. 

Don't weep. Rejoice that He lives! Rejoice that He loves you. And rejoice that we shall meet again.

With love and blessings,

Seagulljaap 

Open House Today

Thailand approaches very quickly. I had my open house today. It was surreal. I was given wads of cash that I feel somewhat guilty about. If only because I am very well off financially. But this is so amazing. It's happening. I can't wait. Pray for me and my talk tomorrow?

With love,

SeagullJaap

What I am praying for

1. Feeling a bit better. I have been a bit sick lately. 

2. The gift of tongues. 

3. Understanding of Gospel Principles and the scriptures. 

4. Inspiration for my talk. 

I haven't blogged as much lately. I have been lazy, tired, stressed out, etc. I feel bad because I often think my friends think I am lame because I have been so incommunicado. Stress. I wish I could be more available. There is so much to do and so many goodbyes to say. So I guess the most important thing I am praying for is strength to say goodbye to my home of 19 years. I can't wait to serve the people of Thailand, however. I can't wait to share a testimony of Christ that grows stronger every day. 

And that's good news. 

The First Blog in a Long Time

I haven't blogged very much lately. My days have mostly been occupied by: fitting myself for my new my suit, buying shoes, getting new orthodics, preparing for everything in general, and stressing about how little time I have left. It's kind of a stressful time of life. Leaving this far away for the first time is pretty scary. The furthest I have ever lived away from home was my recently completed freshman year in Provo. And that was only an hour away. I am now going someplace that is 8, 148 miles away. Excited? More than I could ever express. Scared? Yes. But I feel like I can do it. 

This is kind of neat. I have known this for a while but I think I will share it today. Thailand was dedicated by President Hinckley for the preaching of the Gospel on November 2nd 1966. Anyone know what Novemeber 2nd is? That's my birthday! What a joy! And ironic. 

Here's a few happinesses. 

1. Thai food with friends yesterday. Laughter and everything good about friends. 

2. Theological discussions- theodicy. 

3. Thailand. 

4. Family. 

5. Getting endowed today. 

6. Sleep. And lots of it. 

7. My brother's sour cream blueberry coffee cake. I am obsessed with blueberries. 

8. Thailand. 

9. Missouri trip! I am going to get back those lands of inheritance if it's the last thing I do! (Clearly this is in jest)

10. Waking up at 11 and blogging. 

Home Again

So leaving was very sad for me. I had made a lot of friends at BYU. I said goodbye and it was painful. There were some that were more painful than others. It's not that I won't see them again, it's just the fact that we won't be as close as I would like for two years. But here's the thing: it's nice to be home. Here's a few reasons why. 

1. Clean showers- my shower feels clean. That's incredible!

2. Good food- multiple courses even. 

3. Family! I missed them a lot. 

4. Mario Kart joy.

5. A long enough bed. 

6. My mom does my laundry for me. 

Has my Freshman Year Been Good?

So my mom read a part of my ward newsletter that I took home since I was voted best male cook in my ward. She said the Bishop's message included something about "a lot of heartache" and she asked me about it last night. But I thought about it and considered what has happened with my friends. I have had one friend whose dad got cancer, one friend who had some serious struggles this semester, another who had a few emotional breakdowns, and many friends who have had minor heartaches. I think one's freshman year is difficult. We are far away from home, on our own, left to our own devices. We experience the sweetest moments of our lives and definitely the most bitter.

My year at BYU has been a roller coaster ride. I loved my first semester at BYU. I had great classes, many friends, and an active social life. I bought into the freshman experience. I stayed up late, procrastinated homework, did silly things, and had a great time. I met some of my best friends that I have ever known. Towards the end of the semester, I felt some heartache over the Prop 8 issue. This is an issue that I will never forget. It caused me to reevaluate my spiritual convictions and what I believe. Permit me to feel persecuted for a minute. I grew highly disillusioned with BYU and BYU students from the Prop 8 experience. I saw some of the most bitter hatred that I have ever seen among the Saints. Someone said that I "have not right to question the desisions of the Prophet of God." Yet through this, I maintained my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I managed to sort through what the Gospel is and what the Gospel is not. I realized how happy I was as a member of the Church, even if I couldn't stand the culture sometimes.

Then things started to change. My second semester at BYU has not been happy. I have often felt very sad and very lonely. I have been stressed up to my eyeballs and I have felt some of the deepest social hurt that I have ever felt in my entire life. My grades, while still very good, have not gone quite as well as I would have liked. I felt abandoned by many of my friends. I felt some of the most emotionally excruiciating pain I have ever felt. And I felt unloved many times. I felt like I was an outcast in my ward and in my friendships. I saw how cliques developed and how I felt so left out and hurt by this. This is not to say I did not have happinesses. I did. I had a class with Dr. Keele that changed my life forever. I grew even closer to probably my best friend at BYU. I had the opportunity to give this friend blessings. But nonetheless, I felt as if God had abandoned me.

Then a spark of hope came into my life. I was called to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Thailand Bangkok Mission. Thailand brought back the sparkle in my eyes, the laughter in my voice, and yet when I reflect back upon this semester, I look back and see the awful nature of this semester. I was hurt. I am hurt. I will be hurt when I look back upon this semester. But then I think of the exquisite joy I will find in sharing my testimony of Jesus Christ with the people of Thailand. Nothing, to me, can bring greater joy than that. Throughout this semester, I realized how much of a friend I really do have in Jesus. Even when all my other friends go off and leave me, I have a friend in Christ.

I know a lot of people use the term know when they refer to testimonies. I typically don't like that because religious knowledge is so tricky. But for me, I know that Christ is my heavenly friend. I know that He died for me. And as I write this post, tears in my eye, I realize that perhaps that was the point of my freshman year. To grow closer to Christ as I felt abandoned. To more fully accept the atonement in my life and see what it really means. Though I am prone to wander, I feel my Savior's love everytime I repent and come to Him in anguish, longing for my burden to be lifted. And that's what the people of Thailand need. They need a friend who can understand their economic poverty, the sorrows of their lives. Christ will help us. He is who He says He is.

And that's the best news of all.

Thailand Love

My research paper may be a nightmare, but I love Thailand even more now. I didn't know that was possible. But I have a headache from reading so much and writing so much. SO long. Fix it.